By now everyone knows those were our days. Fridays were the day. Just Melina and mommy. Today was tough. I went a year of Fridays alone. Today I’m tired. Tired of missing my beautiful girl. Yet again just when it’s all too much Melina shows up.
I sang this beautiful song to my girls every night, I Get to Love you by Ruelle. This will always be my song to my girls. And today when I was walking Melina helped me to truly hear it different.
“One look at you
My whole life falls in line
I prayed for you
Before I called you mine…”
Keith and I debated a long time the number of kids we wanted. My pregnancies weren’t the easiest. But we knew that at 34 something was still missing. In the delivery room I remember telling the the nurse, who was pregnant at the time with a boy, we will never have one of those. She laughed and said she always wanted a girl. I made her a deal if Melina wasn’t a red head we could trade. All I wanted was my red head. When Melina was born that nurse screamed, far from the most comforting feeling, but it was followed up with “mom she is yours, your red head.” And I knew I prayed for her long before I called her mine.
“Oh, I can’t believe it’s true sometimes
Oh, I can’t believe it’s true
I get to love you
It’s the best thing that I’ll ever do”
As time passed, watching my three beauties grow, I would think to myself how on earth did I get this lucky. How did I get here. I truly believe my greatest gift in life is the fact that I get to love Klara, Emilea ,and Melina.
“It’s a promise I’m making to you
Whatever may come your heart I will Choose
Forever I’m yours, forever I do”
And this is where the story changes. I made this promise in my heart to my girls. I would always Choose my girls. That choice was so easy. But I never dreamed we would have to make choices no parent ever should have to make. I won’t ever describe those conversations because quite frankly I don’t ever want to remember them. But you have these horrible, unspeakable moments and then you walk back into your child’s hospital room with a smile. How does that even make sense? But how do we tell a four year old there is nothing, we don’t even get time. We get nothing. So in that moment we made a choice. And I know we always Choose Melina. Forever we do.
So as I continue to dread this horrible June 24th date I realize I will always Choose Melina. And when the final verse of the song played today on my walk. I heard it totally different.
“they say love is a journey
I promise that I’ll never leave
When it’s too heavy to carry
Remember this moment with me”
I used to sing that to Melina and pray she would remember this moment. But today I know she says it to me. Love is truly a journey. But sometimes this is a road that I don’t want to journey on. Not for another second. I want a do over. I want the flu not a brain tumor. But Melina is telling me she is right here with me. Melina is on my journey. Melina is leading me to the greatest people. Melina is saying when it’s hard mommy I’m right here. And despite the stubbornness, unfortunately she got it from me, I hear her and I see her. I see her in what we have created in the last year with The Melina Michelle Edenfield Foundation. I see her in the rainbows and the awful “cheeto”. I see her in her sisters smiles and on the back of thousands of T-shirts. Melina is reminding me everyday she is everywhere with me.
As horrible as this time is, today I Choose to see Melina. Today Melina reminded me she has never left me. I Choose you Melina. I prayed for you. You are the one of the best things I will every do. Your heart I will choose. Forever I’m yours. I promise I will never leave. I will always find my moments with you. And I will always get to love you. And I will always Choose your Joy.