Too Much

What is too much? Grief is a lot. Grief is a feeling that you get so lost in. You don’t know up from down, you just know it hurts. A lot. You can drown in it if you yourself sink.
I look at the people I love. I look at my circle. And I wonder if I talk too much about Melina. I know it’s me. I know they don’t say that. But it’s so hard. You miss this person so much. I know with Melina I always want to talk about her. But I want to talk with people who knew her. Who loved her. But that’s hard. Their lives continue to go forward and mine does too, just differently. Sometimes that space that exists I just want to fill it with Melina. But when does that annoy people?
Grief can isolate you. Grief makes you feel like you are becoming hard to be around. Like you suck the air out of the room. Your the mom who is “surviving,”the one people never want to be. I don’t have a name. I’m not a widow or a child that lost their parents. I’m just the parent no one should ever have to be. It’s the most isolating feeling that can exist .
Grief is a strange thing. We help people to acknowledge their grief by giving it stages. We help others around us by letting them know anything they say is better than nothing. But no one tells you what to do with the grief you carry. No one quite tells you where to put it. This is when I become a crazy lady. I hand packaged over four hundred Christmas ornaments myself. Why? Not because I had to. I had endless offers of help. Not because I thought people would be annoyed. But because I had to put Melina on those Christmas trees. I needed to know that I shared my baby girl on over four hundred trees. The grief had to go somewhere.
So today I look for grace. Today I try to understand my own limitations. We lost one of our most precious gifts during COVID. It isolated us. We didn’t get to talk with people for a long time about our Melina. And if it wasn’t for Facebook I don’t think many would have known what was happening. We were alone.
So if you see me out and about and you have questions Foundation related, Melina related or anything please don’t hesitate. Just ask! And if I talk too much just walk away. I won’t take offense but sometimes I just can’t stop. I miss her and you stop feeling quite as lost when you talk. You start to feel the surface again. You start to breath. And everytime I do that I find her Joy, and it helps me fight through the grief. And maybe one day the Joy will be the easy choice and the grief won’t drown us as much. But until that time I will talk. I will share her and I will fight to Choose her Joy because Melina deserves nothing less 💚🌈