So recently I was at an event and for the first time I saw this happen. I watched a mom say to her friend “is that her?” and point at me. Now I would love to believe this was over my amazing athletic career or my lottery winnings, however I knew what she was referencing. Yes, “I am her”, the mom living everyone’s worst nightmare.
Now I know with all my heart this person didn’t mean one negative thing by it. And to be honest I can’t even picture who it was. I wasn’t impacted by the statement because truly it was probably coming from a very supportive place. But it was in that moment where grief took over. I wanted to run away. I wanted to melt into the ground. I wanted to scream.
I thought to myself yes I am the sad mom, yes I grieve everyday for the lose of my baby. Yes I’m struggling greatly this time of year knowing I’m approaching her birthday. Yes I’m her, the mom with a broken heart. The mom you could never imagine being.
Recently due to an injury I lost one of my greatest coping skills which has been walking. That’s always my time with my Melina, but life isn’t allowing that right now. So I feel further from her than ever. And I hate it. So truly it was all just bad timing. Because I know myself. And right now it isn’t going to take much to get plummeted by the waves of grief.
So I have spent some time reflecting. I know in life I can’t ever change anyone else. But I can change myself. So I stopped the wave just for a second and thought. I am her. I am a mom that lost her child. I am a mother living a nightmare. I am a mom trying to stop the grief from destroying her family. I am a mom most days fighting to get by. But I am a mom who is blessed by the most amazing friends. I am a mom who has the greatest parents and sisters that one could dream of. I am mom fighting for other children everyday. I am a mom who loves her girls and husband bigger than life and won’t stop. I am a mom whose baby taught her in life that I have choices. I am a mom that gets to choose that even in the darkest moments you can always find the Joy. And I choose to find the Joy in everyday.
So today when I thought back to this moment. My heart hurt and the wave was coming ready to take me. I stopped. Instead of feeling awful for being singled out of a crowd for my life story. I made a choice, that woman was right.