It’s this time every year, at least for the last three, that my heart starts to get silently jaded. I start to just feel yucky. I start to get mad at the magic. Because no Christmas magic can bring me what I want.
I get mad at myself at times or at others. It’s all irrational. And it will never makes sense. But it’s hard for us right now. It’s hard to be on our “a” game all the time. It’s hard to get by. Because to be honest, we don’t want to just get by. I want the magic without the pain. But I don’t get that. I don’t want to feel numb. I don’t want to feel disappointed and sad. I want to feel the magic. But sometimes I have to say I don’t, well at least not all the time.
Today though I reflected on my girls. Because I still have two miracles with me everyday that hug me and love me big. Two miracles that need me as much as I need them. And lately I have clinged hard. We have been crazy with our sports games right now. But it saves me. It saves all of us. To sit there and watch them. To see their Joy. To see their shine that is what I need. I need to know that they are okay.
For a long time now my fear is people forgetting Melina. And as time goes on I also realize how big the fear is of failing Klara and Emilea. I don’t ever want them to look back and think we lost all the magic. I want them to know as I sit in my chair cheering them on I don’t care how they played. I don’t care about the mistakes. I care that they look out and see me in their greatest moments or in their hardest moments and say “despite the tragedy my mommy always showed up”.
One day I will explain to them how they saved me. One day I will let them know that I didn’t need Christmas to show me the magic. I realize the magic is there not because it’s Christmas time, but because of my three miracles. They are my magic. And they are always my magic.
Melina told me I had to do it for them. Melina never wanted them to have anything less. And I promised her I would. And as I pick up their hearts, as I see their aches around the holidays and how much they are aware of the loss, I want them to always know that they are magic. And Melina lives through them and with them. And that is the permanent magic that helps me to choose the Joy.
So today is junk. But tomorrow I get to choose again. And I hope that when I do my girls will see and always be able to say, “My mommy always showed up and when she did we always saw her Joy”.