Six Months

The 24th of this month will be six months since I have held my baby. Six months since we physically hugged, shopped at target, got Frappuccino’s, or just laughed. People ask me how I am. I’m not sure I have figured that answer out yet. I just keep falling back on to four words that I think will sum it up forever, “I just miss her”
No one ever talks much about the absence of one who is gone. The absence of their presence. Or the purpose they had in their lives. Melina was my right hand. Wherever I went she was right there with me. I wish I was kidding when I say we left Friday morning and ran errands for seven hours. That girl went right along with me. Melina was the only person in my life that could keep right up with my pace. I don’t sit well. Neither did melina.
So each day I am missing my baby right next to me and that leaves a hole in my entire being. And that hole is so vast. I fall down it often. There is no way not to feel that hole. When it’s something new you just think how much she would have loved it. When it’s something old you remember her laughs. I just miss her. We all do.
Yet everytime I think about missing her I can’t help but laugh. Because someone will remind you of the ridiculous things she said or did. Like annoying her sisters in the morning by singing terribly at the top of her lungs, or her terrible ability to match clothes, but when they are all cheeto I guess that didn’t matter. No matter what melina makes us laugh.
Everyday my heart aches because I miss her. And I know I always will. Yet I know she is with me. I feel that. I know Melina is always directing us. That is always what melina did best. So each day I listen really hard for her. I ask her to guide me. And right there is the middle of all that absence I know she is there. It’s different and it’s horrible but she is there and she is making us all better. So as for how I am “I just miss her, but I always choose to find her joy.” 💚🌈
Below is melina less than eight hours after her first surgery. Directing her sisters as she always did. I promise there was lots and lots of hugs.