Life really does keep moving. It’s crazy. I feel like I’m in a horrible dream and I can’t stop it. Yet I look around and feel like it was forever ago. The season has changed. My girls keep growing and we keep getting further from our last day with Melina.
I have to admit it’s so hard to see “normal” things. Smiles, light conversation. But I’m back in “normal” patterns too. I went back to work. All those firsts with seeing people have passed. And there are days where the world sees us smiling and going on like nothing happened. I can go to a store or stand at an event for my girls. I can “fake it to make it”
But I assure you there is so much pain that people don’t see. The pain is hard. We are missing her more than we ever have. Doing the “normal” things is harder today than it was a month ago. Reality is setting in. The dust has settled and the damage can’t be undone. And that is the hardest pain, pain that can crumble you.
Thankfully as I crumble I can call the people I love. The people that loved Melina. And I tell them I can’t do this. I can’t finish the “normal” today. And they remind me you don’t have too. Then they say remember when, and the laughs start. Because yes I remember her singing “Sloop John B by The Beach Boys” on the way to preschool with her Poppy (totally not okay). Yes I remember when she made me purchase this awful cheeto shirt but she was so insistent (and you didn’t tell her no very often) so I had to sneak back to return it and pray she would forget about it…she didn’t. And yes I remember her ruling our world. I remember her directing me every Friday and the over the top Starbucks orders. I mean she was four but my girl knew what she liked.
As life goes on the pain only worsens however at that same time the memories are coming back too. Her ridiculously over the top nature is all mine to have. And as hard as it is that’s the crazy part of life. It will go on. I can’t stop it. I don’t expect anyone to stop with me. But for now. I will be there for our day to day “normal” because I have her joy with me reminding me how to laugh. And everyday I will fight to choose it, and one day I pray that choice is a little easier. 💛💚🌈