How are you?

Today was a tough day. Somedays truly are harder than others. I’m not sure there is an easy day. But there are really hard ones.
Today I can’t place my feelings. I can’t decide how I feel. I think its because everyone keeps asking me “how are you”. And I catch myself responding “good” and I realize well that’s not true. Yet it’s just easy to say it. And you know what’s crazy I have always felt that things were good or could be good. Now I’m scared. I fear that things will always be good but… it’s Christmas but… it’s vacation but…it’s Friday but… something will always be missing. It truly is a hole.
I fear the “good but”. The only way I can express it is a giant puzzle. I love the puzzle that Keith and I built. It is a beautiful puzzle, and to me a perfect puzzle. I don’t mean life is perfect, we are far from perfection. However the puzzle fit perfectly, and now right in the center we are missing a piece. Everytime I look at our puzzle I see all the beauty. I see the grace in our Klara. I see the wonder in our Emilea. But I can’t stop seeing that missing piece. Yet I never want to replace that piece. There is no other piece that will fit there. Melina helped to make our puzzle the perfection that it was. Melina helped to make all the other pieces fit.
So If you ask me how I’m doing my new response will be “I’m trying to focus on the good”. Each day I fight to find the good because it’s always there. Melina made sure of that. Melina gave us so many gifts. Those are what we fight for now. I have to focus on the beauty that is right in front of me each day. I always see that missing piece but I know in my heart it creates everything around it. She will always be there even if her “piece” isn’t. Because without her we couldn’t have built this puzzle. And the good I seek comes from all our pieces, the grace, the wonder and the joy. 💛💚🌈