Five Years

As five years approach, June 24th, I can’t figure out what that means. I never will. Time will always keep passing. What I do know is that for the last five years I have learned to live in the moment. I focus on where my feet are. I can’t get to far ahead because that creates uncertainty. I can’t focus on the past because if I did I could not walk.

I used to think every step forward was a step away from Melina. From her place in our lives. But I have learned over the last five years that couldn’t be further from the truth. Every step I take now is for the both of us. If I don’t go forward neither does Melina, and Melina was a girl who was always moving forward!

I used to believe that going forward meant forgetting. In fact going forward is the only way for survival. With every step I get to carry her tighter and further. And the farther I go the more I think of her. Over the last five years I have started to hear more and more about her. My brain has allowed moments where I can remember her laughs, the way she said hysterical, the way she could fall asleep anywhere. These were things grief took from me. Grief took the good. It left me pain and heartache. But time has allowed the love to shine. Time has allowed the grief to not always be in the front. The grief is still very present and there are still days I can’t help but go back. There are days the internal strength just can’t win the fight to be where my feet are. These are the days I focus on Melina’s strength. These are the days I hear her say oh mommy get it together. I hear her say look at my sisters.

Five years later I can say I try harder than ever to be right where my feet are. I try to focus on the moments. When I feel that grief creeping up, I stop. Before I give in I look around, and if I look hard enough I find the Joy right where my feet are. And yet again I am reminded she is always in the moment, because Joy is always there should I Choose to find it.