Magic and Heartache

I have been thinking a lot about our Foundation lately. I don’t know if it’s because of Christmas and it’s just that time of reflection, but I see more of the loss and the pain this time of year. My heart breaks for those experiencing their first holiday or their 25th holiday who are suffering with grief. My heart aches for those that long for their loved ones. And I go numb thinking about the loss of my baby.

This time of year is both a gift of magic and a gift of heartache. And those two things are separated by a very fine line. Melina’s love for Christmas was magic. Being born in November she was the only new born I rocked nightly, multiple times a night, in front of a Christmas tree. Some days it’s hard to say out loud that I don’t have her, yet I still have the leather rocking chair in which we always sat. The other day I sat down in front of the tree in that chair. The memories of rocking her flooded me . I remember the magic. Yet in a second that heartache comes. For some they wish for one last goodbye or hug. I don’t. Not because I wouldn’t kill for it. But because I know I could never say goodbye again. Not for a second. I couldn’t survive another goodbye.

In the next breath as I was rocking I was thinking about this Foundation . Recently I have had the most beautiful conversations from my very closest people to complete strangers. I hear things about how they admire our strength. They see how we are trying to fight daily for the good. In all of this tragedy there has to be good.

There are times though where the fight doesn’t always feel like magic. Sometimes the fight is just heartache. This disease is so awful. It’s truly torture to a family. And I want to be at the end. I want that cure. I need to know that cancer can be beat. These brain tumors don’t existent. And I realize sometimes that is the heartache. The ability to fight is magic. But the time, the effort and road can feel daunting.

That’s when it hit me. The Foundation and the fight is what we do. This amazing community was brought to us…the most amazing friends, the most generous people, some I now even reference as family. Those are the gifts. And all of that is connected to one beautiful soul, our Melina. My Melina is my magic. My Melina is the connection. My Melina saves me from the heart break. I can’t express to you recently how many people have told me “oh Michelle I wish I would have known her personally, but I feel like I do.” People are wishing to know a 4 year old. And I smile and cry every time I hear it. Because they are so right. I wish they did too because she was everything, over the top, sassy, and never enough!

We are working so hard. we are growing in size. We recently expanded our Board. And our committee for Evening of Joy has doubled. I never dreamed in all that heartache we would be here. We are here because of her magic. We are here because our beautiful girl taught us about decisions in life. My girl taught me everyday I have a choice. It doesn’t mean it will be easy. Sometimes that heartache feels too much. But it is in those moments that I feel that magic. And I know that’s my Melina, and that magic is simply her Joy.