Baby girl. I hate this. I hate all of this. Today is just not right. Today is a day that mommy wants so much to make you proud. But honestly I can’t find that fight today. I miss you more. Every year I keep thinking, I can do this. I can work today. It will be easier. And I realize no mommy is just a mess. It will never be easier. In fact the pain is greater. My brain each year is grasping forever more and more.

I start to focus on the what should be. What we should be doing. What we should be planning. What awful decor you would choose. I get angry and wonder what I ever did wrong in my life. What my family did. But that is just torture. And I know it’s not true. But you can’t stop those waves on the hardest days.

So I turned to our song, I get to love you by Ruelle. And I realize you are always so much more than should haves.

Whatever may come your heart I will choose.

Baby girl while this breaks me I can’t ever walk from this hurt. Never. Because I get to love you. I get to love you forever. And if I walk from that pain I walk from you. I hate that your story was so short on Earth. I hate every second of that truth. But I will always love you more. I will always choose you. And even if I had known the ending I would choose you everyday for those 4 1/2 years I was blessed with the magic of you. We all would. We were the lucky ones. Those that held you, love you, and knew you, were sooo lucky.

And they say love is a journey

I promise that I’ll never leave

When it’s too heavy to carry

Remember this moment with me

I keep hearing this versus and I know it’s you. I know you don’t leave me on my hardest days. I know you are with me. And I know I need to focus on you not the loss. For some reason I kept thinking back to the day you were born. You were a surprise no doubt at 11:00pm on a Saturday when your daddy really wanted to watch college football and didn’t quite believe mommy when she said I think I’m in labor. Your Nay Nay had a great idea since it was so late we were just going to surprise everyone with your picture when you were born. We waited for the most amazing doctor to come because I wasn’t having you without her in every sense of that. So there you were finally my strawberry blonde. My perfect baby on 11-15-15.

Mommy can’t believe the ride you took us on. The way you loved us so big. Especially me. You were my Friday everything. You were my director of the crazy. You lead us all with your wild curls and bossy Cheeto ways.

I think back to a day at Disney. You hated fireworks. We didn’t know this. And we had special seating in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom. You didn’t want to leave and I know it’s because you didn’t want me to miss a moment. But you buried your head in my shoulder and you asked me “Mommy I’m so brave right?”

Oh Melina you were the bravest thing I have ever known. You faced death without fear. You let us love you. You never complained. Not once. You loved your family. You loved your doctors in the end. I don’t know if they felt it but I sure knew it. You led all of us through the most challenging road and continued to do so. You my baby girl are the definition of brave.

I hurt today more than life. It’s a pain I will never be able to express. But I hurt because I loved you more than you will ever know. And that hurt is just the love without you present to give it to. So I believe the pain is worsening each year because the love just continues to grow, and I don’t have you to give it too. But I will be brave and face each day and let that love grow. Because I am the luckiest mom in the world. I have my Grace in Klara. I have my Wonder in Emilea. And because of 11-15-15 I will always have my Joy – in you. And tomorrow when I am ready to choose Joy again I will because I can and because you taught me to.

Love you always,

Mommy 💚🌈💚