I have become more aware of this weight that I carry. It’s a weight I carry every where I go. Every minute of everyday.
Its hard to describe. Most people wouldn’t even notice it’s there. I manage life, and I love my girls hard. But it’s there for me. The things I used to be able to do are gone. Multitasking forget it. Even words don’t always come easy. Everything just seems a little harder.
No one forewarns you with grief that you will never be the same. No one will ever say you will carry this forever. Some people actually say “you will get over it.” Get over what exactly? The loss of a piece of my heart? Never. We don’t get over people. We learn to take them with us. But yet there is this weight.
Maybe the weight is sadness and loss. Maybe it is and will always be something I carry or we carry. My family sees the weight. They also carry it too.
Maybe it is not a weight but a presence. Or the absence of a presence. It’s the constant thoughts, no matter where we are you think to yourself “what would she be doing, and what would she be saying” and we all know what she would be wearing.
We miss her. We miss her presence. And sometimes that loses is consuming. Would I change it? Not even for a second because it’s love. It’s the love we carry every day for her. And just because she isn’t physically with us I don’t nor will I ever turn that off. So I will always be reminded of that absence. And as hard as that is I will carry the weight.
A funny thing happened the other night though. I was thinking about the weight. Because as the 24th approach’s the weight becomes greater. I was just overwhelmed with the idea of two years. I walked past Melina room for the millionth time. But for some reason I stopped at looked at her door. The door I have seen everyday for her whole life. And all I could do was laugh.
See as much as her presence is absence, and as much as that weight is there, she always reminds us she is here. Melina is and will always be better! Right on the middle of her door were stickers. Stickers that she was not allowed to put on so notice they are only half stuck. Melina said come on mommy, “get it together” My presence isn’t in the absence or the weight. My presence is in the Joy. Yes baby girl it is, you win again, and I will Always Choose Joy for you!
(The middle sticker is Joy from Disney’s Inside Out)