Unexpected

There are days I just go along. I wake up to my new normal. I take my two girls to school. I blow kisses to the one in the clouds and wait patiently for my signs. I accept my struggles. I feel them and I get through them.

I woke up on St Patrick’s like I do every other day. It is more a day of basketball than keg and eggs for me. And everything was going along okay. Until it wasn’t. Again those grief moments. They get you. The sneak up when you can’t even see it. St Patrick’s day meant nothing to Melina. Other than it was her favorite color “green and every color of the rainbow “. But Facebook decided it was a good time to remind me of past days. And there is was. The beautiful picture below.

While I see the smiling crazy haired girl, what took my breath away was that this was march 13th, 2020. Which means two days later the world shut down. And then three months from this picture that beautiful smile was gone from this Earth. I mean talk about unexpected.

So then my day changed. There was no longer getting by. My day turned into just keeping busy. Throwing myself into everything I could. Everything I could do to stop staring and asking how. How does that happen? See people say it’s okay to cry and feel. Oh trust me I know that deep in my soul. But sometimes you just can’t. You can’t face that pain you know it’s too much. So you keep busy. Because you have to.

So I stared and stared at that picture. And then I said you know what she was Joy. Three months before she died. Two days before the world shut down there she was beaming at her sisters birthday party. So what did I do? I planned a Disney trip. Yep I laugh as I type it. I laugh as I say it. But you know what? I did exactly what Melina wanted me to do. While I think Starbucks would have worked just fine in her world, my heart needed more to look forward too. My heart needs to always find the Joy. And today I needed big Joy. So today I decided on Disney. Tomorrow my world might go back to its new normal. Tomorrow the grief might not suffocate me. Tomorrow I pray for signs. But for today I found the Joy even in that darkness.