A Lot

This summer has been a lot. A lot of good. A lot of sad. A lot change. My heart is all over the place. Which I’m starting to accept as my new normal. There are moments I think I got this. And then out of no where I realize I don’t want to do it today. It is just hard.

Living in feelings of chaos is tough. One second I’m good and then the next the grief just wins. But recently I experienced something totally new. It has taken me a week to truly see it.

My beautiful baby sister got married a week ago. It was truly an amazing day. And yes I braced myself for the moments that I knew would be hard. I relied on the ones I needed. A beautiful friend reminded me that Melina needed me to find the Joy. And Melina would kill me if I didn’t for her Aunt Kat. For my sister it wasn’t hard. She deserved it.

But I noticed the next day I started to think about Klara and Emilea getting married. And this became tough. With grief, I think present and backwards, if that makes sense. On days like this I think she should be here. She should be with her sisters. I should have bought three dresses.

But for the first time I started seeing grief going forward. How will Klara and Emilea feel on their wedding days? Will they want to honor their sister? Will they have been too young to have memories of her? Will they remember the Melina who adored the ground they walked on? And these new thoughts are brutal.

It’s hard to think forward. It’s truly scary. I know I can’t. I know I have to be in a moment. But grief always takes you to the hard places. The more I reflect on this I realize I won’t be the same person in those future years either. I will change too. I see the two roads I have in front of me that will determine the changes I make. There is one that can harden you. The one where you get angry. The one where you get resentful. The one where I can’t envision those big moments in a good way. I just can see them through pain, and live with that constant pain and anger.

Or I can choose the path my Melina has laid for me. The path where I carry her memory and everytime I see the miracles or the signs I gently remind her sisters that she loves them. The path where we fight to see the Joy. The path that strengths us with her. The path Melina wants us to walk on.

I know that this path is right. I know my Melina is right. I know her path is where my heart needs to be. It’s so hard without her though. The first path is a tough one to avoid. It is so much easier to give in. Grief can win in a heartbeat if I forget what I am fighting for.

So today, along with everyday I remind myself I have a choice. And no matter how hard that choice can be Melina will always show me the best way. Melina reminds me that Joy is the only way. Melina gave me direction in her final days. Melina told the doctor exactly what she needed me to do, “I need my mommy to stop being a cry baby. I need her to get it together”. I hear you baby girl. Today and always I Choose Joy for you!