Baby girl there are so many thing I can say. In the end though it is all the same. I just miss you. My heart breaks everyday for the things we miss with you. There isn’t a moment that we don’t feel your presence. Or question where you would be. But life is really hard without you. Your hugs, your stories, your antics. We miss you. More than life itself.
There are so many shoulds in life that we don’t have. I should see you turn six. I should kiss you good night. I should get to watch you leave for school in the morning. I think back to how life was before our world was shattered. I woke up everyday feeling so lucky. Lucky to be the mom to the three most beautiful girls. And to watch you guys together. That unbreakable bond.
Now I look at life after we lost you. And it has forever changed. The pain of losing you will never change. It will always be there. But of course you made me think today. I think how you have changed all of us. Everything has become big in our world. And I mean that in the best possible way. I stop in my tracks sometimes if Emilea asks me to play. I literally cry at every strike Klara throws. And while I resemble the crazy parent, it’s not because I want her to win it’s because I just don’t want her to hurt. I focus on the little things because you taught us that those are the big things.
So this weekend as I was breaking inside because we need you, Daddy and I decided that we were going to go to the store with your sisters and buy the rainbow Christmas tree, because that was exactly what you would have wanted us to do. We made our “Weena” tree. And no it didn’t go as planned. Your sisters were tired. And one decided to be slightly on the sassy side. But instead of losing my mind, Daddy and I laughed to each other and loved her harder. Because in the end she is hurting too.
You Melina have changed our purpose. You have made me value everything so differently. You make me see the special things. You make us love each other a little harder. We take the chance because life is too short. We let go of the small stuff. We just love big.
Melina I wish everyday our story was different. I hate this world without you. But I always say and I always will love you more. I won’t let this make me angry. I won’t become someone I raised you to never be. Today is just brutal. I miss your laugh. I miss your crazy. I realize today 11-15 will always be one of the greatest days of my life. I am lucky to be your mom. And I will be your mom for the rest of my life. I will love you bigger than anything death can take from me. You will always be my miracle. You will always be my sunshine. You will always be my little girl.
Today mommy will be a cry baby though. Today is a lot. Today is more than any heart should have to handle. While I hate this day without you, I will never, ever hate 11/15/15 because that was the day I became the luckiest mom alive. That was the day that my third perfect little Girl was born. That was the day I gave birth to an angel.