I’ve always been the internal optimist. The glass is always half full. We can always be thankful and grateful. And life can always be beautiful.
It’s hard these days. Do I see the beauty? Do I see the kindness? Do I feel the support? Absolutely. More than I can ever express. Ever.
But… Do I miss my baby? Do I watch my family struggle? Do I struggle? Absolutely. More than I can ever express. Ever.
So how does this all work? How do I find the optimism? How do I find the beauty when one of my most favorite people ever, literally a piece of me is missing?
I read this quote the other day. “We can not choose the pain but we can choose the purpose.” And it was the first time in awhile something clicked. I didn’t choose this. My family didn’t choose this. Melina certainly did not choose this. Actually we have found out her tumor was completely random, literally bad luck. But I can’t let her story stop at something bad. I can’t stop there.
But I can hope. I can hope and I can hurt. That’s pretty much my emotions right now. I hope for answers. I hope my girls leap off the bus with smiles. I hope for good moments. I hope for soccer goals. I hope for small things and big wishes. I hope she is proud of me. I hope she understands that I would give anything, anything to have her. And I hope she knows we are fighting.
I wouldn’t choose this pain ever. But I need to make it have a purpose. I need it to be the good. I need those smiles, good moments and those soccer goals. I need to feel we have the ability to move mountains. I need Melina. So my purpose needs to be bigger. So for today I will rest at the possibility of hope, the hurt of missing her, and somewhere in all that mess is her joy. I will always take her joy.