Diagnosis Day

A day I will forever hear “there is a mass on your daughter’s brain.” Life, as I know it will never exist the way it did before this day. I will never be the person that I was and I never want to be. When I think about this day, though, I think of the heartbreak and my baby girl. All from the pediatric brain tumor that 32 days later took one of our greatest gift.

Unfortunately we never forget those days that shatter us. But the further you get from the actual trauma, you are able to start thinking a little bit differently. Over the last four years I have never thought about this day from Melina‘s perspective. I think I’ve always been afraid to. Also, I don’t know what she was thinking but as her mother, I still feel like I know her better than anyone. The minute we got to the hospital and for the next two days I watched her win over peoples hearts. I watched her make an impact. I watched her teach empathy. I watched her do all of these things just being her. The day our world shattered was the day my baby started to heal us.

Melina was our glue the the last thirty two days of her life. From the minute Melina was in the hospital, Melina wanted to come home to her sisters. She directed them to hug her. When anyone would FaceTime Melina, her first question would be where are my sisters? She made us laugh. She made us get her request at Starbucks and online shopping from Target. Melina made sure from the minute she was diagnosed until the minute we lost her that we never stopped living in her Joy.

Melina also spent the next 32 days of her life making us better people. Melina showed us how to love and how to love big. Melina made us sing show tunes at the top of our lungs on her coffee trips. Melina wore rainbow tutu dresses to her treatment because why not. Melina NEVER complained, not for one second. Melina wanted to play and made sure we all were there. Melina never let us stop. She never let us break. I can honestly say that the last 32 days of her life my Melina made sure her family laughed, sang, danced, carried every stuff animal she owned, and draped ourselves in Cheeto. Melina never let us stop living. In fact she made us live in a way we never had. Time stopped, plans ended, and all that mattered was us.

Melina knew she was dying. I have no doubt about that. I hate that she knew it before I could accept it. But even in that my Melina Chose Joy. At four she chose to be better than anyone I have ever known. I wasn’t a cancer mom until May 22,2020. My child wasn’t a statistic until then either. May 22 became about a brain tumor for me. Melina however didn’t live impacted in that way. On May 22 Melina made a choice to not just be a statistic. Melina made a choice to simply be herself. Melina Chose Joy. So this May 22, I will dig deep and I will choose to find the Joy she made sure she left us with. This May 22 not only do I Choose Joy, but I choose to live the next 32 days like Melina.