Letter to Melina

Melina, You will always be my reason. You will always be my why. You will always be my beautiful baby. I got up today, I didn’t want too. I walked with you. I cried for you. My heart broke for you a million times over.

I never dreamed I would be strong enough to do this day 1,460 times. But that is all today is. June 24, 2020 marked the start of life without you physically. And the painful truth hit me today. I held you for 1,460 days. And now I have lost you for 1,460 days.

It’s challenging how anniversary and dates can make you feel. Yes I will never hold you again on this Earth. And while I have not lived with you physically for 1,460 days, death can never take away the love I have for you. Death can never take you from my life. Because my sweet baby girl you made me stronger than death. When l wasn’t sure I could ever truly “live” again you said oh no mommy you will. And you gave me the gifts to do just that.

Melina you have taught me so much. But the one thing you show me is that there is nothing this side of heaven that could ever destroy a mother’s love. I love you more today and I will love you more tomorrow. Did I hurt more today than four years ago, yes. Was it because I lost you as long as I had you? No. That fact is insignificant. As much as grief wanted me to focus on that, it’s meaningless. I hurt more today than four years ago because I love you more every minute of everyday. And I will love you that much more until the day I die.

Dates and anniversary are a measure of time. Time with you has no measure. Because if I was told what the end of your story would be’ Melina,I would take those four and a half years a million times over. I would take every minute of the 1,460 days I was blessed with you. You sweet girl are a piece of me. You are one of three that have physically been part of me and death will never be greater than that bond.

As this day ended. I realized you win again my Melina. And I laugh because well you never lost. But you,my sweet girl, showed up everywhere. You let me know I can do this again even on day 1,461. I will do this for you and because of you. You reminded me today how much your sisters need me to smile and show up. And you will always give me the strength to do it.

Melina I will forever hate that you are not here with us. I will forever hate that a brain tumor took you from me. I will forever hate that our world was shattered. But please know one thing. I will ALWAYS love you more.

Forever, for you, I choose Joy.

Love you to the moon and back and the stars,

Mommy