Amazement/ Hate
Now those are two words you just don’t put together. Yet I feel like that’s where I am stuck at times. Talk about confusion, but that’s my heart. One moment you are good. The next you want to crawl into a hole. So this is grief.
First the amazement part. That’s MMEF. I can not begin to describe what this Foundation is achieving. We all knew we would have to fight. We talked for months and aligned ourselves with the best people to start on this journey. Because this Foundation can’t fail. I can’t fail these families. I can’t fail Melina. And the people around me won’t let that happen. I can’t even begin to tell you the compassion and good I have seen in people. In total strangers. I can’t tell you the times I have been asked to talk about Melina to share her (thank you) And the amount of generosity is unreal. Truly it is unfathomable.
We are achieving goals that we set for our Foundation. We are actively funding clinical trials. In fact in about three weeks we go to Houston to meet our other foundational partners and the researchers we have funded. And I assure you this is one powerful group.
However there are times I wonder if my heart wants to sit in that room for the first time and sit with 17 other parents who get it. Who understand our story as close as anyone can. And selfishishly I do. But then that’s what I hate.
I hate that we have to go. I hate that I have to understand the facts surrounding pediatric brain tumors and pediatric cancer. I hate with every ounce of me that I get it. I hate that Melina is a statistic. I hate that there was nothing we could do. I still can’t grasp that most days. Literally she had less than two days of treatment. That’s it. And all it was supposed to do was give us months. And we barely had a week.
I hate I lost her I hate it with every ounce of my being. Then just as I start to feel that junky anger I get that call of someone else who heard of Melina. Or I get that text about a rainbow. Or we get someone who calls and says “we are all in.” I realize that right in the hate of the disease. Melina always wins. Always. She really is just that good. Because I look at the fact that our Melina is what those phone calls or texts are about. Our Melina has educated people on the disgusting truths about the lack of funding and treatment for children. Our Melina is right there in the middle of it changing things. Melina is making us better.
So as much as I hate it, as much as I want to throw it all away, I see her. And I am reminded that my Melina never quit. My Melina only won. And she wins everyday that we fight. She wins everyday in this amazing community. She wins everyday that I share her.
Sometimes this stubborn mom needs to get out of the way. I need to slow down to see that right in the middle of this ugly mess someone is finding Melina’s Joy. And while I hate that she isn’t here physically to share it herself, Melina has never stopped being amazing and spreading her Joy! 💚🌈💚