Survival

Survival. Now there is a word I thought would never be associated with my personality in my life. I have never wanted to just get by. But these days survival is a good day. That makes me both sad and mad. I’m not sure at what or who. But some days it’s all that I feel. I swear I’m on a roller coaster that I just can’t quite get off. And the hills just keep coming.
Survival is hard for me. I have always tried to spend my life instilling hope. And it’s so hard for me to find hope in this nightmare. And that always leads me to the dreaded “why” “why Melina”? I hate the whys because I know those are answers I will never have. Those are questions that torture me and ones I truly try to block out. I dread the whys. They knock the wind right out of you.
The other day though one of the most amazing people in my life said to me. “You know Shell I was thinking. Maybe Melina is greater than all of us. Maybe Melina impacts people in ways we don’t understand. Maybe Melina has the power to change 500,000 lives that we could never have impacted in our life time. Maybe they will wake up and choose to live differently. Maybe they will wake up and Choose Joy because Melina changed them.” And I stepped back for a fleeting second and thought wow and then in that moment I struggled. Trust me I want those greater things more than life, but as a mom I still want her.
However I am learning to accept that I can’t change the last six months. But I can try to change the power “the whys” have over me. Maybe that will help me get past survival. So as hard as this season is this year, I will continue to survive one day at a time. I believe Melina truly can instill Joy in people. And if Melina can be that powerful then maybe she really can be the miracle for other families. And maybe that miracle is not only a cure for this, but maybe the miracle is her Joy. And the fact that she is helping not only me but so many others find it. 💚🌈