Grief

Grief.

Unfortunately I have no answers for this one. I have looked, everywhere.

Since June 24th I have been looking for answers to two important questions, 1. Why did this have to happen to Melina? and 2. Is there someone who feels my heart and hurts like me? Yet I know, while on this Earth we can not answer the whys, and the only one who feels like me… is me. Melina was mine and I knew her like know one else ever could. I wouldn’t trade four and a half year to not have a lifetime of heart ache. I want that easy answer, its okay to be sad and I won’t feel it forever. Because that is really scary. I realize though I just want her back. I pray for the nightmare to stop every night and for her to be sleeping in her room. And you know what I get… rainbows. And I’m mad yet amazed all at the same time. Im mad I am running out of my house seeking a rainbow because that is “ my baby”. I’m mad that this has become my peace.

But I’m realizing every day there are no easy answers and that is okay. There are no guarantees for anything, and that is okay. It’s okay to fear my own feelings. And it is okay to trust in the fact that maybe the rainbows are meant for me. Maybe Melina just wants me to see her and her joy. I see your favorite color “green, and every color of the rainbow.” I see you in every sparkle. I see you Melina because sometimes I can choose to get out of my own way. Some days I can step back and see that you are okay. Some days I fall flat on my face trying. But if I know my Melina, this time she needs me to win. And she will make sure I have enough rainbows until I can.