Time is a very funny thing. Time feels like it is flying by but yet some days it stands still. Today is a day that the number is always going to hurt, 24, seven months since I have held my baby. I wish I could forget it but my heart always knows. This week has been a tough one. And I struggle at times to give myself grace. I want the pain to stop yet I know it never will because it’s love. And love can never stop it only grows.
Time is challenging. I want more time with Melina. Yet I know it would never be enough. I wish she was still with us. But that means she would be suffering and that I could never have. Time can be a curse and a blessing. I never thought looking back I would say we were blessed that her tumor took her from us so fast, but we were. The lack of time means she didn’t suffer. 32 days saved her, but 32 days isn’t enough time to even grasp the idea she was sick.
They say time helps. Yet some days I think it makes it harder because it takes me farther from her physical presence. Yet time has shown me so much. Time has shown me the amazing goodness in people. I will never fear the world my kids grow up in. Yes there is chaos. Yes there is a pandemic and a lot of hate right now. But I cannot even express the good I have seen in people. I can’t even tell you the messages and outreaches from friends and even strangers. Those things heal your heart. When that good happens I know that is how she is helping people. I know that is how she is changing people. I know Melina has an impact greater than I can understand. And it is truly in those moments that I know she is with me
Time continues to move forward. And time looks so different. Nothing prepares you to go from a family of five to a family of four. I am learning to accept that there is no concept of time with grief. It can truly feel like yesterday we just lost her. But then some days it feels like a lifetime ago. So we just follow our hearts. Some days there are tears and other days we can breathe. Not one day goes by that my heart doesn’t need her or miss her. But time continues to show me good. Time continues to let our hearts take her with us. And no matter how much time passes her joy is always there. 💚🌈💚